TMI Tuesday: My weight and my insecurities

 Ugh. Calories annoy me. Seriously. Why do they have to be in EVERYTHING? Calories should really only be in things  that I can’t stand. Like pickles and olives. Yes, I’m beginning a post complaining. My bad, y’all. But what can I say? Talking about my weight kinda makes me sad. Because here’s the truth….

I will always be “watching my weight.” Yep. I am a beauty blogger and I am not ashamed to admit that I have my share of insecurities. And most of them deal with my weight.

I’ve been watching my weight for as long as I can remember. It comes in spurts. I’ll go months with being obsessed with working out and eating. Something will happen and the next thing I know, I’ve gained all of the weight I lost. It’s a tiresome cycle. But it’s one that I will be dealing with for the rest of my life. And it’s not for the shallow reasons like wanting to fit into a bikini (pshht, never happening) or trying to look “good” for someone. My health will always be an issue for me because I’ve got to keep a close eyes on my reoccurring high blood pressure. It’s stressful, y’all.

Most of last year was my “down” year. I worked out a bit but not as much as I should have. I would go weeks between running or heading to the gym. I’d tell myself that I was too busy or too tired. And because of that, I gained a whooping 20 lbs. My size 12’s got tight and I was forced into a 14. I would see a developing double chin in the mirror and that alone prevented me from doing as many YouTube videos as I should have been doing. Self-loathing ensued; an emotion that I always deal with when I notice myself gaining weight.

In the Fall of last year, I got serious about my weight loss again and so I’ve been actively going to the gym (3-6 times a week) and doing what I have to do to get back in those 12’s. I’m getting there. And I have to remember that I am human. We all backslide from time to time and I can’t always fall into these depressive slumps when I realize that I’ve gained a pound here or there.

Keeping an eye on my weight is a lifestyle for me. I can’t just eat a breadstick without knowing that I’ll HAVE to work out the next day. Yes, I’ll eat my favorite ginger snaps, but never in peace. For I know that unless I work those cookies off, the pounds will pile up. This is my life. This is the way it has to be.

I’ll never be skinny. And I’m okay with that. I don’t mind that my thighs rub together or that my DD’s require my having to wear TWO bras when I work out. I don’t hate my body. But do I want to be in optimal health so that I can be around to keep bringin’ y’all mascara reviews in 2045? Hells yah.

I know weight is a sensitive topic for most of us women. Some of us want smaller boobs. Others want bigger boobs.  Some say they’re too skinny. Others long to be skinny. Mommas feel some kind of way about their post-pregnancy bodies and many of us fall victim to the lies society tells us. Is it important to be healthy? Absolutely.

But do you have to be a size 2, 4 or 6 to be healthy and beautiful. Absolutely not.

What say you? Are you happy with you weight? Or will it always be a struggle for you too?

  • Egads, you don’t like pickles or olives! *gasp*

    Ok, seriously … to answer your question, I am happy with my weight and it’s never been my struggle. That doesn’t mean I haven’t had moments where I look at me and I’m like “Me, get it together” but generally that is easy for me to do. I must admit age had made it harder, and who knows what baby will do to my tummy … but ultimately I like my height/size/shape….but these preggo boobs are THE BOMB so I wouldn’t mind keeping them I’m just saying.

    • Brittany

      Oh gosh. Preggo boobs may send me over the edge. That’s the one thing I’ve always had enough of. Ha!

  • kia

    keep your head up lady. the best things in your corner is that your life hasn’t stopped (fab beauty blogger, newly married, etc.) AND you know when you put your mind to it you see change. some of us aren’t as lucky and still go thru this. here’s hoping we can make this a lifestyle without stressing about it.

  • I don’t usually respond to blogs (I know horrible! ) but I wanted to chime in on this topic. I’m happy with my weight. In fact, I am one of those people that everyone loves to hate. I am naturally small in stature and body size and I have a hard time gaining weight. I eat healthy because I just like the food better and I have never been on a diet. What I don’t like is that it gives me an excuse for not working out. I don’t have any health problems (at least not to my knowledge), but I want to make a habit of taking care of my body..and it’s HARD. I wouldn’t change my body, I would change my habits.

  • I love my body. NOW. I have the 34-26-36 hourglass shape. But even still there was a time I didn’t like what I saw. After having birthed two kids I was left with stretch marks galore and natural DD’s that were used to breastfeed two babies. READ: saggy. There came a time when I decided enough is enough. I’m 34 and have decided that two miracles were brought from my body and the scars and stretch marks that were left as a reminder are nothing to be ashamed of. To see if I REALLY believed that self talk I bought and wore my first bikini last summer–stretch marks and all! God has given me an internal beauty that outshines anything outwardly I may have. I bask in HIS beauty :-))

    Btw, I must admit I absolutely love following you on twitter and seeing the TMI Tuesday links. I love the transparency you bring and the realness. Thank you :-)))

  • I’ve had DD’s since high school and always done the 2 bra thing AND a cami with a shelf bra. Look into getting an Enell sports bra. It’s a bit pricey for a sports bra but it’s so worth it! And it was endorsed or something by Oprah.

    • Janel

      I have the moving comfort Maia bra, and while I’m only a D cup, I know it comes in larger sizes and it works beautifully. I can do jumping jacks without having to worry about smacking myself in the face. It was ~50, but worth every penny!

      • Brittany

        I’ve heard so many great things about that bra. Gotta look out for it!

  • Growing up, weight was definitely an issue for me…I was skinny at first but then something happened around age 10 and I turned into a little CHUBSTER! Lol…It was a sensitive topic and it didn’t make it any better when people made comments. For instance, my mom’s friend asked–IN FRONT OF ME–how come I looked like that…she didn’t understand how a skinny person like my mom could have a child that was so chubby (guess she felt I needed to be a clone of my mother). Then in the 7th grade, this girl said I had nice eyes but it would look better on somebody that wasn’t fat O_O. My mom thought my chubbiness was cute and didn’t have a problem with it, but it wasn’t enough for me NOT to feel bad about myself.

    Anywhooo…forward to the present, I’m pretty average now…but I still act a bit funny about weight. I shoo ppl away when I go on the scale…and I’m quick to delete a photo if I think I look fat! Lol…Though I still think I need to lose a few pounds, the way I feel about my weight is nowhere near how I felt as a child.

    By the way, does it help at all that your husband accepts you as you are (just wondering)? I’m also curious to know why you think this has to be a LIFELONG battle? You don’t think it’s possible to reach a comfortable weight and maintain it without feeling stressed about it? Even if you HAVE TO work to maintain (while others have the luck of passively doing so) it doesn’t have to FEEL like a burden. You know what I mean? I think saying it will ALWAYS be a STRUGGLE, already defeats any future possibilities of it NOT being (or feeling) that way. Sometimes we forget that the way we look at something can also affect the outcome :)

    I keep saying it, but I LOVE THIS SERIES…great job on opening dialogue on such important topics that many people face. I know it takes guts to be honest and put yourself out like this, so bravo to you. Great work! :)

    • Brittany

      Esposo has always been very loving when it comes to my weight. He let’s me complain my head off but then doesn’t hesitate to tell me how beautiful I am. Weight is a struggle for us both so we both work out and cook healthy eats together. Even when I reach a comfortable weight, I know that I will still be stressing out at how to stay at that weight. The struggle will always be there. I totally understand where you’re coming from. And I’m so glad you love TMI Tuesday. Thanks a ton for supporting.

  • I’ve struggled alot with body shape, instead of actual weight. I’ve always felt very big on top and in my belly, with a short torso. Then to have a very flat and hipless bottom, with chicken legs. I was always healthy and did sports, but my body never fit into that womanly mold. while i was pregnant my insecuritys went away, bc all women look like that pregnant. post partum they are back again. Loose tops are my savior.

    • Angela

      Hi dear, I never comment on here, but noticed you said loose tops are a savior. If your top half is too large, you should be going for wide leg pants and more fitted tops.

  • Diane

    Over the years I have come to accept that size 12 is where its at for me. I always stay in that size range so I’ve become comfortable with that. My biggest issues are my cholesterol…it’s a bit high and my belly fat…I will never have a six pack. I know what I need to do to get my body to work for me I just always fall off my routine. My size 12’s are getting snug so I know I gotta get on point with myself. Back to my workout videos and supplements- love spirulina, chlorella and womens multi vitamins and I just started drinking the green monster smoothies… Weight control is a struggle and takes a lot of hard work and effort, but I can’t deny how good I feel when I am taking care of myself properly.

  • Very personal post. I love it. No you do not have to be a small size to be healthy. A lot our bodies are at homeostasis just being a bit heavier than others. The numbers that really count, need to be low. IE cholesterol, blood pressure, sugar etc etc. If you got all of those check off then you are the best state you can be. Maybe, I shouldn’t be talking because I am small but I feel as if that is all superficial, I just want everyone to be healthy. Thats why we hit the gym and eat well. beauty is more than skin deep and I think ur body is awesome. ‘sides I love ladies that are thick! 😉

  • I am not happy with my weight.. not at all! A few years ago, when I wasn’t happy.. or eating.. I was at my thinnest.. and now that I am married and happy.. I started eating again and gained weight! My weight will always be a struggle.. I will never EVER be a size 5. I have accepted that.. but I would like to be wayy thinner than I am now..

  • I wanted to congratulate you on today’s post. It’s truly inspiring to see someone embrace who she is and to remember that “we’re all human.” We fall off the bandwagon, but it’s important to get back on it. I’ve been struggling with my weight for as long as I can remember. I’m a size 6 (which may not seem like a lot…) but on my 5’0″ frame, it actually means I’m a good 10-15 pounds over my healthy weight. I never longed to be stick thin, mostly because I enjoy my boobs, butt and the curviness that I’ve always had, but in the past 6 months, I’ve gained about 10 pounds due to really poor eating habits (which have resulted in an 80-year-old-man’s cholesterol levels), and to top it off, I barely went to gym in 2011. This year, for the first time, my goal isn’t to lose weight/inches. It’s to be healthy! I’ve been going to the gym 3 times a week and reminding myself that, if I ever want to have kids in the near future, I better get my eating habits right! (no more cereal, chocolate and popcorn for dinner one nigh and starving myself the next day to make up for the extra calories…) I think it’s really important for us to focus on the important things such as being healthy and feeling great, and not so much on how we “should” look, and I applaud you for taking control of your health :)

  • This is a great topic! I once had to muster quite a bit of courage to post about my previous weight too. I mean, (I am Asian and naturally smaller size than the other side of the world so) I am Size 6-8, but I am pretty big by Asian’s standard.

    Due to my previously being overweight, I also have to be a constant diet watch, and constant reminder to myself to workout.

    And yeah, I do feel slightly ashamed to talk about how I had been on the heavy side, and still am. And when I get a bit heavier, I take fewer LOTD/OOTD pictures… …

  • Evie

    Brittany! Get out of my head. I feel like I could have written this article because it’s the same exact way I feel. I’m currently a size 14 and can’t wait to get back into my size 10’s. I let a year of emotional eating get the best of me and cause me to gain 30lb which I just recently stopped beating myself over. It’s not just about my clothing size but at this weight I am now in the pre-diabetes category which I know is my body’s way of telling me to get healthier. I’ve struggled with weight my whole life also and I know exactly what you mean when you say you can’t just eat a breadstick without thinking about it. I definitely want to be at a healthier weight before I start having kids since the doctors already told me I will have to be on insulin, but I refuse to accept that and have been working out and eating better. So far I lost 10lbs this year and have quite a way to go but I refuse to give up.

  • Elizabeth

    First off, I have to say I just started reading your blog and I LOVE it. You are so positive, your writing is uplifting and never condescending – I really enjoy it. That being said….I will always struggle too. I gained SO much weight after my daughter was born. That first year of sleep deprivation and getting up for work at 3:30 am…let’s just say I stopped caring about what was going in my mouth and it PILED on and stayed there…she is (ahem) 4 now. I’ve always struggled with my weight and have lost the extra lbs quite a few times throughout my life. This time I joined Weight Watchers and it has been awesome so far. It’s not just counting what goes in my mouth and exercising, I’m finally learning how to mentally approach food and exercise the right way. I look forward to burning off my extra calories now (ok well, usually…). Will I ever NOT worry about my weight? No. It’s been ingrained in my mind since I was a small child. But my wonderful husband loves me for me, so this change is all about how I feel about my health, my appearance and my life. I have finally made my peace with the struggle – it will always be there and I’m okay with it. :)

  • “I’ll never be skinny. And I’m okay with that. I don’t mind that my thighs rub together or that my DD’s require my having to wear TWO bras when I work out. I don’t hate my body. But do I want to be in optimal health so that I can be around to keep bringin’ y’all mascara reviews in 2045? Hells yah.”


    You are so beautiful…inside even more beautiful and sharing insecurities is HUGE! Every Saturday with Stef I do…its naked-like. But you are beautiful !!

  • i won’t say that i’m happy with my current weight but i do know that i am healthy because i work hard in making sure i get my minimum exercise routine. weight was definitely an issue for me growing up but as i got older i became more confident in my size and who i am as an individual, it’s like what RuPaul says, “If you can’t love yourself, then how in THE HELL are you going to love someone else?!” I love myself and my body and i’m pretty sure that will remain just as long as i continue to make sure that i’m healthy. =) thanks for sharing B!

  • Love this post and your honesty.
    I am happy with my weight, I have been on the thin side my entire adult life…..but I do have those insecurities sometimes.
    For example, I have those post breast feeding mom boobs. I wish they would stand up at attention again, but I am pretty sure those days are gone.
    I work out 3-5 times a week and feel good about myself until I see something in the media that makes me feel a certain way about myself.
    But I have to push those thoughts aside and just be me. 😉
    We shouldn’t let the world define our beauty!

  • I’m fat and I hate it. I have some kind of scorchingly bad thyroid issue– my doctor has said that on a scale of 1 – 10 (with 1 – 3 being hyperactive, 4 – 7 being normal, and 8 – 10 being hypoactive), I am an 11. Like, literally– I tested off the scale. So it’s pointless for me to diet or exercise, because neither will help until I get fixed.

    And I have no health insurance. So it’s likely I’ll be fat and hideous and hating myself for it forever because I’m vain and apparently kind of shallow.

    It’s the main reason I love makeup and handbags, because those are the only two things I can do to be pretty, since my fat body precludes me enjoying my clothes.

  • I remember meeting you at Blogalicious in Miami and noting how positively radiant you looked. You have the most inviting smile and dancing eyes! You are a beauty! I deal with weight issues daily. I have battled depression, have watched myself go from a size 8 to a size 14 and now trying to work backwards again. I also had to re-train my mind to realize that I am beautiful at any size. Being able to fit into my skinny jeans doesn’t undermine what a kind and giving person I am! Health is top priority for me. I want to be alive to see my sons grow up, to be a Golden Girl with my sisterfriends, and to celebrate 50 years (or more) with my husband. Please be confident that you aren’t alone–every day is a battle for many of us. As long as we continue to endure and fight, we are the ones that are winning!


  • I struggle with my weight much the same as you, and in the same manner I stay around a size 12, I haven’t managed to get below that since before I ever got to this size. Thank you for sharing, with a different face, that could have been me in the mirror looking at myself, and that was a wow moment. The whole extreme exercise or complete laziness thing isn’t healthy, and because of the latest weight gain I too have health issues.

  • Always will be an issue for me for sure, I’m always needing to work out. Working out has never become a hobby for me at all, always a struggle to commit and remain consistent. And its funny how many women suffer with the same thing, regardless of their size while we often think that if you are small(er) then you don’t have the same issues as some of us thicker girls.

  • I struggle with my weight as well. High blood pressure and diabetes run in my family so I constantly watch my salt content and try to keep the sweets to minimum, but it’s tough (especially since I love sweets). I’m pretty sure I’ll never be skinny, but I’m quite happy with my curves.

    Also, I’m busty like you and wear the Lululemon Athletica Ta Ta Tamer II sports bra when I workout. It’s pricey, but it holds the girls perfectly and you’ll never need to wear two sports bras at the same time again. Invest in it!

  • suzanne

    For me, I have had a life long struggle with weight. So much so I had gastric bypass Nov 2010. I used to take two different medications for high blood pressure, have to take ambien to sleep and was nearing the need to be on high cholesterol meds too. I went from morbidly obese to a normal BMI in just over a year. No more meds for anything, and I feel greater than I have in I can’t remember how long. And even with that I still have my own struggles. Every one does. What you need to ask yourself is.. How much work do you want to put in to look the way you “think” is great or be the healthiest you can? Most of the time when you look at celebs they work out a ton because that basically IS their job. I don’t want to work that hard, I’m not much of an exerciser, at all.. I LOATHE sweating! Not all people are made to be skinny, some people really are built bigger. Have you ever had a body composition analysis? That could help too and have some hard data to work off of, if needed. Don’t forget to think of all the great things your body does for you too. Using an online food tracker helped me a lot too. If you really weigh and track every single thing that goes into your body you will become so much more aware than you ever imagined. I got to a point where at the end of the day if I had a few extra calories or fat before coming near to the daily limit i would have a cookie or two and still lost weight.
    I used and still track a few times a month or when i start to slip (aka when my jeans feel tight).

  • I love all 160lbs of my weight…it’s where it decides to hang out is the problem! lol If about 15 of it could redistribute itself away from my midsection I would never have the days I have now. I hate how clothes fit on me so getting dress is depressing, and part of the reason why I sew.

  • I’ve always wished I had some curves. I get tired of the, ‘You should eat’ comments. I do eat a lot, multiple small meals a day and drink a lot of water, so I guess my metabolism is in overdrive. I’ve learned to embrace the fact that I look like a 12 year old boy, though.

    My skin is what give me the most insecurities, honestly. Sometimes, it makes me want to crop my face out of my pictures or just not post pics of me at all. So I hear where you’re coming from, I admire you not only admitting this out loud but for all us to know we’re not alone.

    You’re awesome.

  • Mia D

    Sweety you look fine. You’re just curvy. There’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t get women and thinking that we have to be a certain way. Be you. Be happy. That’s what matters. Life’s too short to worry about calorie counting.

  • I’ve been ‘biggish’…I’ve been ‘smallish.’ But no matter what, I always sworn I was cuter than an Anne Geddes’s photo. The reality is that whether big or small, I’ve always been unhealthy (too high of a body fat percentage, pre-diabetic, etc.)

    For the past 18 months, I’ve been refocusing my life to incorporate small, healthy changes. Innocuous things like parking far away from the door at the mall, only taking the stairs and involving my kids in my exercise time instead of making a myriad of excuses. These are things I can do forever and not have to rely on a gym membership.


    While I typically keep my faith close to my heart, the most important transition moment for me was getting closer to the Lord. He didn’t place me here to be unhealthy. And if I’m understanding his plan for me correctly, then I want to represent health and not just talk about helping others achieve it.

  • I love your honesty in your posts. It’s so refreshing to see you, as a blogging, not beating around the bush with such topics. I struggle with weight despite everyone I know saying that I shouldn’t. I am 5’4″ and 140-145lbs (though during HS/college it was 130-140). I am athletic and enjoy sports. However, thanks to genetics, I am pear-shaped. Doing sports like volleyball and roller derby and hiking hurt me because they just make my butt and thighs bigger. I wear a size 12 comfortably, but there is never enough room for my butt, and it makes my front looks funny because of it. It’s really awkward fitting into small and medium shirts yet large or XL pants. It’s definitely frustrating to me.
    Cardio is difficult for me as well because of a shortened lung capacity (growing up with 2 smoker parents who smoked INSIDE), so running is a challenge. I have been walking as often as I can and it helps maintain, but it’s SO HARD to lose weight down there, I always just lose it from the top half despite it all being lower body workouts. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Sorry for the rant, but I feel like I am speaking to someone who can understand. <3!

  • OSHH

    Fitness is for life and so is the journey.
    Whether you are setting and working toward your goals, reached your goals or just maintaining, which is harder in my opinion. I work out pretty reg all year long. I have slacked this month of Feb but March is here practically and that is typically the time when I step it up a bit throughout fall, no more breaks, 5 days a week, 7 to 8 hours of body work cardio and weights as well as being stricter/healthier with what I am eating. I like to be slinkier/ more svelte by late spring/summer.
    Never give up ladies, even if you mess up, tomorrow is a new day and we can try try again. Say you cheated or had some naughty treats the next day go light and go hard with the workouts.

  • happyhubbs

    I truly love your blog. Posts like this show me that you are so real. Weight has always been a sore subject for me. Thanks so much for sharing

  • Wow I have not seen a D cup in years. I am at HH but they do say with age boobs grow so had you been smaller they may have grown anyway. I just say this as my skinny friends some have grown over the years while others not.

    As you know my weight is an issue for me made worst by so called friends who tell me I need to lose weight. I have recently been going to an Ab class which just shows me how un-flexible I am how unfit I am. I used to be a curvy girl with a flat stomach 2 kids later not so. But hey. life goes on because it just does.

    I don’t even want to be skinny. Just slimmer and healthier. Oh and one more thing. I eat the same way I did in my slimmer days except back then I walked everywhere now I drive. woah is me. Weight has always been an issue but I shall overcome it. I want to do vlogs but my weight puts me off. sad but true

  • I was a total late bloomer and I went from being skinny as can be to gaining 30 pounds and growing D-cup boobs seemingly overnight. It’s been a struggle to go from a skinny, 1960s-model body type to a decidedly more Rubenesque shape so quickly. None of my old clothes fit and I had to change the style of clothes I wore because a lot of the cuts I favored as a skinny lady did not work with my new body shape. I work out, but I’m not concerned about losing weight, it just makes me feel really good.

  • Janel

    This is the first time I’ve commented on one of your posts, because I’m the lurking sort. This post is one that I want to toss my two cents in on, though.

    I’m not really all that heavy, and I’m fortunate for that, but my weight is one of those things that does a number on my self-esteem, but I have a terrible time doing something about it. Laziness is one of my worst traits. I’m really lucky that I have someone who thinks I look beautiful the way I am (and so do you, from what I see in the comments!)

    That said, while I don’t want to belittle your frustration at all, I think you look amazing! You’re incredibly photogenic and obviously take good care of yourself, and it shows.

    • Brittany

      That means so much, Janel. XOXO

  • it’s always been a struggle with me and probably always will be because i love desserts and yummy foods way more than working out. i’ve always been the chubby friend with size 0-6 buddies and family, so yay for being the odd one out :(

  • Hi, I’m new to your blog~ but I love it. And I think you are incredibly gorgeous! I hope you feel that! And I’m totally jelly of anyone with DD’s, haha :)

    • Brittany

      Awweeee, thank you so much.

  • I am really encouraged that I’m not alone in this endless struggle with my weight. Ever since I can remember I have always been chubby and I have suffered a lot of tourment with this issue in all years of my school life, with children asking questions like “why are you so fat” To teachers making comments about my weight saying that I am unfit. I guess this is what has partly contributed to my low self-esteem. I very careful about what I wear and I mostly like to wear tracksuit bottoms and a baggy top because that’s just how I feel confortable. I have lost weight before but it just fluxuations uncontrolably so often. I don’t remember ever being under 150 pounds and this is going back to age 12 at about 5ft tall. I have never really had the courage to share or get help from anyone about this because I don’t want people that know me to think that I’m attnetion seeking. I’m currently around 180 pounds at 5’3… I know I’m probably clinically obese but I don’t know how to stop myself from eating in secret. Before I could never eat any kind of food in front of others as I thought they would be judging me or be thinking “why is she eating, she’s big enough isn’t she, she doesn’t need to eat”. This meant I would eat secretly and binge on junk food alone late at night. Now I just can’t eat junk food in front of people. I just feel like this whole issue surrounding my weight is rulling my life. I like to play basketball and I drink a lot of water, which makes me feel better when I do those things but in everyday life I just feel like no one will accept me because of my size and I generally feel unconfortable in small spaces or around people that have smaller bodies, which is most people. I wear a 16 top and bottom and I’m 18… Does anyone have any tips for me please, this is my first step to trying to do something about this issue and change my life- for good.

  • Censorednomore

    Well this is the story of my life…I always have to watch my weight and the self loathing is something I can truly identify with

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