I knew something was off when I started to feel my neck.
Have you ever felt your neck before?
I mean, REALLY felt it?
When I lay down, when I eat, when I’m driving and when I’m busting suds while listening to a podcast, I can feel my neck.
At first I thought something was wrong with me. Did a bug bite me? Why would I be so swollen there? What’s going on?
The swelling never went down.
Because it was fat.
It IS fat.
My neck started gaining weight. My back fat is fatter and my stomach, the same stomach that held my babies doesn’t even look familiar anymore. My body is foreign and uncomfortable. My body is in a place I don’t want it to be in.
And I don’t know what to do.
“Duh, girl. Join Weight Watchers.”
“It’s not that hard. Go vegan and do workouts at home.”
“CrossFit and paleo.”
“Honestly, you don’t want it bad enough. That’s why you’re still fat.”
“You can do this.”
I can. I should. But I don’t.
I weigh as much as I did days after I delivered Bub a good 14 months ago.
The good news is…I didn’t gain any weight in a year.
The bad news is…I didn’t lose any weight in a year.
I can’t even cry about it because I’ve shed those tears before. If you’ve never been a fat person who has tried 1,249 ways to lose weight, you don’t know what I’m talking about. If you’ve never had pregnancies completely transform your body, you don’t know what I’m talking about. If you want to lose weight, know you can but then fail each and every time…
…you won’t get it.
I feel alone in this. Although, I shouldn’t. Although…I’m not.
I’m not alone.
There are a lot of women in situations just like mine.
Maybe I’ll start a smoothie fast next week. Or do C25K.
Maybe taking walks are helping?
Maybe I should give up carbs.
Maybe I should stop breastfeeding my son and maybe I’ll instantly drop 30 lbs just like my friend did.
Maybe I’m making excuses.
Maybe I need to save a ton of money, hire a trainer and have someone hold my hand in the fitness and nutrition department.
Maybe this is the year I’ll put on clothes that not only look good on me but make ME feel good.
I reach to the back of my neck and feel that uncomfortable fold. I smooth my hand over where I could once feel my clavicle.
I want to cry but can’t.
I want to stop disappointing myself.
I want to stop the cravings.
I want to stop feeling my neck.
NOTE: I’m in a place where I’m wanting to challenge myself by writing raw “open diary” blog posts. They’re not easy to write and probably aren’t easy to read. Don’t feel obligated to comment. Please know I’m grateful that you’ve even made it to this point.